As an introductory note, the pronouns in this section may seem as if the comments are directed only to the girls. Not so, guys, they are equally applicable to you. Any masculine pronoun may be replaced with a feminine pronoun. That means, for those of you who are less than English scholars, a "his" may be replaced with a "hers" (likewise, a "hers" may be replaced by a "his") and not change the meaning or the intent.
Now for the question, Who should you date?
The obvious answer is a girl (if you are a boy) or a boy (if you are a girl). That seems simple enough, but let's look at it together for a few minutes and see if it is really as simple as it seems.
There are certain traps that ensnare many young people in this particular decision. For the Christian, I believe the Scripture is very clear that he should date only believers. There are many "reasons" given by Christian Young people to justify dating an unbeliever. Recognize that each of these statements is a rationalization for a preconceived idea. That means in plain English, that each of these statements is an attempt to fool yourself. See if you can find the trap in each of these statements:
Lets look at some of the problems connected with each statement.
1. "He's not a Christian but he's sure a nice guy." Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) Are you going to marry a person you date or a perfect stranger? If you spend a lot of time with him, what is to keep him from capturing your heart? Where's the focus of his heart? Where's the focus of your heart?
2. "He's more of a gentleman than most Christians I've dated." That may depend on how many Christians you have dated. What makes a person a Christian? Is it making a "profession of faith"? Is it walking down an aisle? Is it being baptized? Is it some other "religious" act? Or is it walking in obedience to the commands of Christ? Where is the focus of his heart? Where is the focus of your heart?
3. "He's not a Christian because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite." Really now, why does one become a Christian in the first place? It really has nothing to do with our actions (except maybe our sin), but with God's action and our desire to be in right relationship with Him. Where is the focus of his heart? Where is the focus of your heart?
4. "We have so much in common other than religion." Do you have a common desire to worship and serve the Lord Jesus together? There is much more to "religion" than going to a particular church. How many of those common interests will last more than a few years? Marriage is for a lifetime. Where is the focus of his heart? Where is the focus of your heart?
5. "He wants our children to go to my church." A noble ambition and a noble statement. But what does that really mean? What about him? How is HIS relationship with God? Isn't that more important now than where future children will go to church? Where is the focus of his heart? Where is the focus of your heart?
6. "I think he's open minded; maybe I can witness on our dates." Noble and ambitious, but only very, very rarely does that kind of activity happen and even more rarely are "conversions" a result. Even the "conversions" usually only last until the relationship is over. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 states that we are not to be unequally yoked together. If you really care for him, pray that God will bring a Christian guy into his life to share the Gospel with him. Then if God draws him unto Himself, your whole relationship with him will be on a higher plane than you can even imagine now. Where is the focus of his heart? Where is the focus of your heart?
7. "I told him he had to be a Christian so he accepted Christ." If he becomes a Christian at YOUR invitation, whose disciple is he? Only God can call a person to become a Christian. You can pray that God will call him, but you cannot call him. Where is the focus of his heart? Where is the focus of your heart?
If these statements give problems before marriage, they certainly will after marriage. The man is called to be the Spiritual leader of the home. So in dating, I believe it is the responsibility of the young man to take the spiritual leadership of the date. Only as he gives that kind of leadership in dating will he be prepared to do so in marriage. Wait for God's perfect timing. Remember the most important part of marriage is the Spiritual union that occurs. A right relationship with God is the only way this kind of union can occur.
Consider everything about the one you date - age, family background, family relationships, religion, appearance, reputation, how well you know him/her, race, common interests, goal(s) in life, moral interests, and the list goes on and on. The more you have in common with your date, the more you will enjoy your time together. The idea that opposites attract is frequently overstated. One boy and one girl is most often opposite enough.
Make sure that your dating revolves around God's purpose for your life. Strange as it may seem, patterns that you establish while dating will be solidified and entrenched in marriage. Examine your dating style and see if you really want to lead that kind of life. You both NEED the clearly defined life goal of serving the Lord together. Without that goal, there will be little lasting basis for dating or marriage. Where is the focus of your heart?
Sometimes it seems as if God will never bring that special person into your life. Remember, God is faithful and ordained men and women to establish a family through marriage. If he instituted marriage, He will certainly help the Christian Young person to find a very special someone to be his or her life partner. Trust God, ask God, pray that God will bring a suitable person into your life. As you pray, give God room to work in your life and time to bring the other person into His plan. Sometimes the person does not immediately recognize that you are the perfect person to date and it takes time to convince him of how special you really are. The girl I eventually married at our first meeting had very little interest in me. In fact, she didn't even like me. But God was faithful and soon she realized that God had put us together and we were later married.
Where is the focus of your heart? If it is truly on the Lord Jesus and He has absolutely captured you heart, you will find that dating begins to take on a more balanced perspective in your life.
It is impossible for me or anyone else to give you a blow by blow description of what to do on your date. Using the ideas shared in this book, along with the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and the still small voice of the loving Father, I think you can come up with some pretty good ideas on what to do and not to do on your dates. The important thing in dating as in all areas of life is to guard the focus of your heart. It is so easy to allow the heart to become sidetracked and focused on something other than the Lord Jesus Christ. In that case, every thing looks blurred and nothing seems to be clear.
The solution to an out of focus heart is so simple that it is overlooked by many. In your quiet time, simply ask God if your heart is out of focus and if it is, ask Him to help you realign and refocus it so that your heart (and my heart) may remain focused on the Lord Jesus Christ. He is faithful to enable us to keep our hearts focused on Him.
Understand that just because you are of the ripe old age of 12 and are not yet engaged, it really is not the end of the world. It only seems that way. Your parents won't let you date and just don't understand? Everybody (at least your best friend in school) is dating and loving it and have all sorts of things to tell you about his or her experiences? Don't believe everything you hear. Usually there is quite some difference between the actual event and the way the story line goes. I encourage you to listen to your parents because they have been down the dating road and may see more than they know how to tell you. Dating is a matter of trust in you. They know you and should trust you to the measure you have proved trustworthy.
The question is often asked, especially by younger teens, "When should I begin dating?" The question is also asked by parents, especially Fathers of daughters and the answers are usually about 20 years apart. I hope to give some material for discussion between a teenager and his or her parents to try to determine the best time to begin dating. If you are already dating, you might skim this section to see if there is any thing you may have overlooked in your own experience.
What is the ideal beginning dating age? There is no way I or any one else can give you an exact age when you should begin dating. There are some guidelines that may give you insight about when to date.
First, I think you personally, should be aware of the benefits (easy) and the dangers (not so easy) of dating. (Gothard, 180) From the guy's perspective the benefits are simple - girls! From the girl's perspective, the benefits are also simple, - boys! There are more benefits than just the presence of a person of the opposite sex, but these thoughts should get you started thinking about the benefits.
Dangers on the other hand, are not nearly so simple. And they are certainly not as easy to see in yourself. It is always easier to see problems in others rather than in ourselves and that is just the point where so many teenagers miss the boat in recognizing the dangers of dating.
The time to decide what you are going to do about the dangerous explosive feelings that come with dating is before they sneak up on you. Make up your mind now so that when the situation arises, you will be prepared for it.
Secondly, you need to work out from Scripture a set of standards that is comfortable for you and about which the Holy Spirit gives you peace. At this point I strongly recommend bouncing your standards off your parents, your minister, Youth Pastor, or a mature Christian adult friend. The reason is that especially in teenage years, hormones can replace the work of the Holy Spirit - even among Christian Young people and mature council is needed. Scripture is clear about the wise counsel that comes from Fathers in particular. "Yes, but you don't know my Father." True. I suggest you check out the first few chapters of Proverbs for another view. "But my Dad is not a Christian." That's okay, too. A sovereign God is able to give you the counsel you need whether or not your Dad is a Christian. If your Dad is out of the picture due to divorce or death, then use Mom, your Pastor, Youth Pastor, or other trusted adult friend.
The most important part of deciding when to date is to purpose (decide) in your heart (where is the focus of your heart?) not to lower those Scriptural standards (get this) - EVEN IF IT MEANS NOT DATING!
Personal insight. When I was a young stud, fresh out of college, having the world on a string and happy as a lark, the Lord was pleased to put me in an area where there were simply no Christian young ladies my age to date. I tried to date other girls, but the Holy Spirit would not give me peace. It was during those years (they seemed to stretch on forever) that I formulated the plan not to date girls who did not share my moral and Christian values, even if it meant never dating. Shortly after I made that decision, God moved me to a new location, and there, almost immediately, I met the girl who would eventually become my wife. Now, I am so glad that I waited for God's timing, even though it was almost impossibly hard at the time. God was faithful to keep His promise that no good thing would He with hold from those that love Him. I'm glad I waited. Looking back (which is always easier), I am confident I made the right choice. My heart focus was (and is) on the Lord Jesus. Where is the focus of your heart?
Your RFD (Ready For Dating) day will come soon enough, in spite of what you think right now. The time is not measured by the number of candles on your birthday cake, it is measured by your maturity. Who can determine your maturity level? The answer to that is so opposite from what you hear from all your friends, you may think it heretical or at least very strange coming from the over 30 crowd. How about the way over 30 crowd, the Bible. Ephesians 6:1 says it superbly, "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Check with your Dad. If your Dad is not living in your home and you are not able to ask him, ask your Mom. If your Mom is not available then check with your minister, Youth Pastor, or other trusted Christian adult who will be honest with you. Find out your maturity level.
How old should you be to begin dating? Try these on for size and adjust to maturity level. 14 for group dates, 15 for double dates, and 16 for single dates. Also, it is probably better to date several different people during high school and early college years. You will all have more fun.
Check out the focus of your heart. Are you concerned with discovering all that God has in store for you through the dating years, or are you more interested in being the most popular boy or girl in your school? Where is the Focus of Your Heart?
Since you are reading this section, it probably means you want some ideas of places to go on a date that will be fun and at the same time not lead you into undue temptation. Hopefully there are better things to do than run out of gas on a lonely country road or watch the submarine races at the local lake.
On a date, I think you need to do more than only "spiritual" things. Some Spiritual things should be done on every date: praying, sharing Scripture, or sharing what God has done that day in your life. Many things you can and will do on a date (that is if you are following the Lord Jesus in obedience) will involve church activities, Bible studies, church youth events, retreats, etc. However, there are other areas of your life that need to be explored on a date. Don't jump to conclusions yet. Let's talk about exactly what areas need to be explored.
One of the purposes of dating is to get to know your friend in a variety of places, situations, and circumstances. It is important to see your date as a balanced person. Observe how your date relates to other people in varied circumstances and see if you want to be treated as your date treated that person. If you continue to date this person, and certainly if you marry that person, you will almost certainly be treated just like that.
I am going to take a risk and suggest some places you might consider going on a date and some activities you could consider doing. Let me predict your reaction before you read the suggestions. Some of you are going to say, "The man has fallen off the deep end." "That's silly." "Nobody does THAT on a date." "Why am I wasting good time to read THIS?" All good statements and questions. Let me try to answer some of the questions before you ask them. Remember, one of the purposes of dating is to get to know your partner on the Spiritual and psychological level. To become one with him/her in spirit and in mind. These activities will help you achieve that goal. Most do not lend themselves to a great deal of physical contact (by design). This is probably best. Without physical contact, it is more difficult for you or your date to become pregnant.
I first got the idea for a list such as this years ago when listening to a lecture by Josh McDowell on the subject of dating. Read it and consider how you might benefit from these activities. This is not an exhaustive list, rather, it is intended to spark your own creative ideas about things to do on a date. Hopefully it will stimulate your thinking and you can add, modify, or delete from this list depending on your personal likes and dislikes. Consider these suggestion prayerfully and consider the focus of your heart.
And this is only the beginning. Use your imagination and ask the Holy Spirit to give you additional thoughts and ideas. He will.
Guys, the more carefully you plan in advance precisely what you anticipate doing on each date, the more fun you will have and the less opportunity to get into trouble. Plan to get to know her mind and personality and wait until marriage to get to know her physically. You'll both be glad you did. If these ideas seem old fashioned, out dated and archaic, check the focus of your heart.
This is essentially a series of thoughts on how to use good manners in the realm of dating. Believe it or not, good manners still go a long way toward getting a date with that special someone.
If you are a girl, be patient. Guys are incredibly shy about asking girls out. The reasons are innumerable as to the "why," but even the most macho guy who is every girl's dreamboat is hesitant, shy, and extremely fearful about calling a girl for a date. So girls give him time and slyly drop hints that you would certainly like for him to call.
Ideas that may help him get the hint: stage a party in your home, be sure he is invited; join the same clubs at school; be in the hall near his locker when he passes by at exactly 9:32 and smile, maybe even say "Hi,"; pretend to be shy; be particular - don't settle for just anybody; work on improving personality traits which you find attractive in others; and so the list goes on.
When he calls and you don't want to go out with him, tell him so plainly and right up front. Better yet, tell him to ask your Dad and let Dad know that you do not want to date this creep. Dads have a way of getting rid of unwanted suitors. A word of caution here girls, when you refuse a date, don't blab to all your friends that you turned him down. Things have a way of turning on you and later on this could be bad news.
Never date someone simply because you feel sorry for him. The guy would rather be hurt up front than led along and dumped later on. Be honest from the beginning.
Make sure he is your own age or close to it. During dating years, it works best if both of you are almost the same age and have similar interests. This helps avoid problems and pressures that you are not ready for at this time.
When he finally does call and you and your Dad agree that this is the perfect date, be ready on time when he comes to pick you up. Invite him in and introduce him to your parents. This is very important, especially if your parents have not met the guy before this special event.
While on the memorable evening with Mr. Dreamboat, try not to monopolize the conversation. Don't babble incessantly throughout the evening. Try to listen to what he says. You might find it most fascinating. Look him straight in the eye and let him know you like him and are interested in him. Mention a couple of times how much you are enjoying the evening.
This is not the time to engage in clowning, shouting, or wrestling matches. Be lady like all evening. This includes all you say and do.
Please don't talk about your other dates. If this is the first date, he is nervous enough already, try to encourage his self image and not compare it with another.
Practice all the good listening skills you know and learn a few more if you can. Encourage him to talk about himself, after all, he is fascinating isn't he?
Don't make a dressing room of the dinner table. Small "touch-ups" are acceptable but for extensive "repairs," excuse yourself to the Ladies room, but don't hang out there all evening, remember he asked you out to be with you.
In summary, be a lady all evening. Don't ever stoop to be anything less. You and your date will both be happier and enjoy the evening more. Have fun and enjoy.
Guys, there are some things you need to remember in the area of courtesy and manners as well. A few points of courtesy go a long way, especially with her dad, and he is a great guy to have on your side.
Always, pick her up at the door. Never honk and wait for her to come to the car. Help her with her coat if she is wearing one. Always open the door for her, (this includes car doors and building doors.) This is impressive.
To make points with her parents, be sure you tell them where you plan to go, what you plan to do and when you plan to be home. Always respect her parents' curfew cheerfully. If there is any change of plans, be sure to call her parents and yours.
Drive safely. This is not a time to clown or practice drag racing or get set for the Indy 500. If you are walking, be sure you walk on the outside (the side closest to the street).
Try not to talk too much on what you have done and where you have been or of other dates you have had with other girls. Concentrate on showing her a good time and you will have one as well.
When you get home, walk her to her door. Good night kiss? Sorry, guys, it is probably best not to at this stage of the relationship. In fact, at this stage, the less physical contact, the better.
Be honest, respectful, considerate, thoughtful, gentle and manly. You and your date will have a better time because of it.
Oh, yes, how do you get that impressive date? This may be the profound statement of the book. Guys, just ask! Yes, I understand how incredibly difficult that may be. Even more difficult is asking her Dad for his permission and blessing to date her. Everything in life that is worth while, is difficult. So is asking that special girl out for the first date. Remember this, the worst thing that can happen is that she says no. However, remember this as well, your life is not over if she refuses, maybe she just doesn't understand how special you really are. Work on personality development and ask again later.
How you act on one date will be a determining factor in whether you have another with this same special someone. Remember who you are (a child of the King) and whose you are (a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ.)
A well planned date can be a fantastically fun experience for both of you. Work to make this a fun and enjoyable time. Treat each other with respect and courtesy and you will both have a better time.
In this area, guys, treat this date as you want some other guy to treat the girl you will eventually marry. This thought will help you decide about many of the actions that are so "popular" in our modern society.
How do you decide who you should "like?" That is a very complicated question in deed. Pick someone with many of the same interests you have. Actually, the more you have in common, the better you will enjoy each other's company.
Especially in this area, guard the focus of your heart. Sometimes in the adolescent years, hormones do unexpected and unfamiliar things to our "feelings." Godly counsel from your parents can be immensely important during these turbulent years. (If your parents are unavailable, get Godly counsel from your Youth Pastor, Minister, or other trusted Christian adult friend who knows and understands the problems of Teenagers.) Make sure that your heart focus is on and remains on the Lord Jesus Christ. Maintaining this focus can ease some of the pain and frustration with getting dates and knowing how to handle all the new feelings that sometimes seem to overwhelm your body and mind.
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