Before beginning to date, there are certain dangers of which you should be aware and constantly be on guard against. These dangers can and will slip up on you, so be continually alert for them. Some may seem small and insignificant at first, but they will quickly mushroom out of proportion if they are ignored.
One is the danger of isolation - isolation from other friends, isolation from family, isolation from other social contacts. At first it is fun to be together all of the time, but when this togetherness is to the detriment of relationships with other people of your same sex and of the opposite sex, this is a potential danger. When the dating relationship begins to be a hindrance to your family kinship (relationship) Ä let this be a warning signal that the dating relationship is not as healthy as it may seem to be.
Another is the danger of choosing friends solely on the basis of their "date-ability." Be on guard that you do not become so date conscious that you only talk to or associate with potential dates. It is very important to maintain relationships with all of your friends, not only those you are considering as date prospects.
A hidden danger is dating for the wrong reasons. One reason that is definitely in the not so good category is dating to "get back" at someone else, perhaps one of your old flames. Other reasons that are "not so good" include dating a person for the express (or implied) purpose of making someone else jealous (this is only setting yourself up to be hurt) or dating for the purpose of impressing your friends that you are able to date a football star or head cheerleader or a person in some other prestigious position. Examine your heart to be certain these are not the motives you have for dating that special person.
Another hidden danger in dating is the feeling of being trapped into a relationship that is deeper than what you really desire. For example, consider the case of the couple who begin dating just as good friends (that's how all dating relationships should begin), then develops into a more romantic relationship, then, almost before they know it, feel trapped into a relationship that is deeper than wanted or needed. Sometimes pressure from friends can "force" you into maintaining this kind of relationship. Watch out! Trapping is not a cement that can hold a friendship together, much less a dating relationship and even less a marriage.
The very real danger of getting hurt is almost never expressed when talking about a relationship. Sometimes it is not mentioned with the idea that if it is not talked about, it will go away. It doesn't. When you enter into a deep relationship with another person, whether that person be of the same or the opposite sex, you risk being hurt by that person. That is one reason most of our relationships are so very shallow. We are afraid of getting hurt. Even more true in the dating relationship is the risk of being hurt. Remember, as you date and build a relationship with another person, that relationship may not last. If and when it ends, it will hurt.
I remember well that Saturday afternoon when a 16 year old young man called, crying, asking - almost begging -to see me. As I went to his house I wondered what had happened to so greatly upset him. A few minutes later as I sat in his room and listened to his story, the truth of this danger of dating was plunged deep into my heart. Just moments before he called me, his "girlfriend" had called and for no apparent reason, told him the relationship was over. The young man was devastated. We talked about several possibilities but none seemed to be accurate in this situation. Over the course of the next few weeks, we talked much about the incident. Eventually, this teenager was able to work through the hurt and even restore the relationship with his "girlfriend." This does not always happen. The point is that in dating, there is a risk of deep pain. Be aware of it from the start, especially if this is your first or second relationship.
Another danger is that of mistaking emotional attraction and physical attraction for real love. There are some major differences between love and attraction for another person. I will have more to say about these differences in the section on love, but for now, understand that love is a commitment, not necessarily an attraction.
The last danger that I will mention should be written in all capitals, with bold type, and underscored in red and highlighted with fluorescent yellow. This danger is the sleeping giant amount dangers and I'm not so sure it is sleeping! This is the danger of letting sexual desires get out of control. Dear friend, God created you a sexual person with sexual feelings and desires. These feelings and desires have a place in which to be fulfilled and enjoyed. That place is not on a date, or even a dating relationship, but in marriage. The idea that "it won't happen to me" is a lie straight from the pit of hell itself. I know too many girls personally, who thought that and now either are married because they were pregnant or have a child who will never know his father. Words cannot describe the heart ache I feel over those girls and children. I will have more to say in this area in the chapter on sex, but for now, sex is reserved for marriage.
These are some of the major dangers that are involved in dating. This is not an exhaustive list or a complete list. You can think of other dangers and add them. Your personal experience will doubtless give you added insight into this area. With these and other dangers, is dating worth the risk? You bet it is! The presence of danger does not mandate avoiding an activity - it does mandate using proper cautions. There is danger in riding in a car on the freeway, but we do it almost daily. Recognize the dangers, then plunge into one of the most exciting adventures of life, getting to know a person of the opposite sex.
Sometimes in a dating relationship, our hormones get us carried away and the focus of our heart shifts. As you enjoy the presence of that very special person, guard the focus of your heart. In matters of love, it is most important that we maintain our first love, our love of the Lord Jesus Christ. Check often and maintain the Focus of Your Heart.
I think there are several convictions concerning dating that every Christian should consider. (Gothard, 184) I followed these principles in my own courtship and marriage and found them to be exceptionally workable. These may not all of the convictions one needs, but they are certainly a place to begin.
Conviction number one is that I will date only Christians. After my college days and while I was working at my first "real" job, I was in an area where there were no young ladies that I felt were suitable for courtship. This caused me considerable torment of heart because just like you, I desired to have female companionship. I became desperate and dated some girls I liked but who did not share my convictions concerning the Lord Jesus. These were really unpleasant experiences so I resolved not to date girls who did not share my convictions of the Lord Jesus, even if it meant not dating. I had violated a principle that I knew was right for me and my spirit controlled by the Holy Spirit would not let me have peace about it. I'm glad today I followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit. 2 Corinthians 6:14 is very precise on this point, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers."
But I'm only dating! True, but stop and think for a moment. Who are you eventually going to marry if not someone you date? Where is the focus of your heart? This is a point on which we all are tempted to rationalize (that means explain away), but check the focus of your heart. Is it on your desires or is it on the One you call Sovereign, the Lord Jesus Christ.
A second conviction that is really under Satanic attack in our society is that I will not defraud the one I date. What does defraud mean? It means to arouse in another sexual desires that cannot be righteously satisfied outside of marriage. More about sexual desires and appetites in the chapter on sex and love. For now, realize that God created us as sexual beings, God designed sex for our pleasure, and God gave us explicit and precise guidelines for its maximum enjoyment. Any violation of God's guidelines concerning sex will result in numerous conflicts and problems in many areas of your life, even areas that seem not to be connected with sex at all.
A third conviction that is very important is that I will relate my dating around God's purpose for my life. Without the clearly defined life goal of serving the Lord together, there will be little basis for decision making in dating or marriage. Dating is a laboratory for future life experiences. Keep the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus and many of the difficulties that plague so many young people will pass you by.
The fourth conviction may sound strange at first. It is this, both of us should be in harmony at home. What has home relationships got to do with dating relationships? I'm glad you asked that question. Home is the place where we learn how to get along with people. The lessons we learn at home we practice in the "outside" world. Everybody has a home. It may be the "traditional" family with Mom and Dad and some sisters or brothers. It may be an institution. It may be a single parent home. It is where you grew up. Psychologists tell us that if we don't learn how to relate to people at home, we will have difficulty in later in life. Many people spend a lot of time and money in therapy to learn how to relate to others, that lesson is best learned at home.
As strange as it seems, a man tends to treat his wife as he treated his mother. A wife tends to respond to her husband as she did to her father. The great peril that young people face is thinking that they somehow will not follow the trend. You may be the exception, but don't count on it. People much wiser than I have studied these tendencies and found them to be true. As I have watched different people over a period of time and even myself, I see these trends to almost always be reliable.
God knew how we would normally respond, (after all He did create us) and that is at least part of the reason home relationships are so important. Dear friend, how is your relationship at home? How do you get along with your parents? Where is the Focus of you Heart?
A fifth conviction that I think you should consider is the conviction to wait for God's perfect timing in marriage. I have seen so many young people rush into a marriage for which they were not ready and seen that marriage fall apart in a few short years. Some of the reasons are a faulty understanding of the marriage commitment, an unclear definition of love, and the idea that marriages do not require work.
Impatience with regard to marriage is a sign of immaturity since genuine love can always wait for what is best for the one loved. Emotions (and hormones) run high in dating relationships. Sometimes it is helpful to find a good, mature Christian friend whom you trust and talk to him or her openly and honestly about your feelings. Then listen carefully to whatever Godly counsel they may have to offer. Many times, this "outside" observer can see more clearly than you can. Take advantage of Godly counsel. Who might qualify as Godly counsel? Hopefully your parents, perhaps your minister, Youth Pastor, or another trusted Christian adult who loves and understands teenagers. If you are not certain, ask God to show you who in your circle of friends should be your counselor. God is faithful to bring the right person for you into your life at the right time. Trust Him, He is trustworthy.
It is best to yield (that means to give up) all rights concerning dating and marriage to God until the time He thinks best. After all, He knows more about you than anyone, including you. God created you with a desire to be with that special person of the opposite sex and he will bring the right person into your life if you will give Him the time and permission to operate in your life.
You say, "Those things seem so hard and so different from what everybody else is saying." Yes, they are different because the evil one has so polluted our minds and our world that it is impossible to think right about God without the facilitation of the Holy Spirit. It is hard only if your heart focus is off the Lord Jesus. It is easy to do what the one you love asks you to do. Where is the focus of your heart?
What do parents have to offer your dating relationship except problems?
Plenty!
You kidding me?
No. Read on.
Your parents can and should be your best ally in getting, going on, and keeping dates.
What about parents opinions? What if they absolutely refuse to let you date the most handsome, strong, athletic star in the whole world or if they forbid you to see the most beautiful girl that ever walked across the face of this planet? Do you rebel and see the person without "your parents knowledge"?
That admittedly is a tough one to answer. There are so many variables, so many "ifs", so many special situations that make this dilemma almost impossible to solve . There are some general guidelines that I think you will find helpful no matter what your particular difficulties are in this area.
First, remember what the Scripture says, "Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving to you." (Ex. 20:12) "Children, obey your parents for this is right. Honor your father and your mother - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." (Ephesians 6:1-2) Those are big, powerful verses and sound really impressive except when held up against something you (or I) really want to do and your (or my) parents seem dead set against it. Where is the focus of your heart?
How do these verses apply to the dating relationship? After all, you are 13, or 14 or 17 and practically grown. What possible message is there in these verses for you? Read on.
The first, middle and last word on dealing with parents is COMMUNICATION. Communicate, communicate, communicate. That involves more that grunts and monosyllables. It involves opening yourself up to each other and sharing ideas and thoughts and feelings. Sometimes parents need a little help in this area. Give them a good book on communication methods, then practice communicating together. Remember, in communication, do not be hostile. Hostility breeds hostility. Ever try to have an argument when the other person would not argue back? Very frustrating, I assure you.
Listen, I mean really listen to what your parents are saying. Don't ignore what they say because it is a parent speaking. Listen, your parents might say something significant and your certainly don't want to miss that! While you are listening, try to understand your parents point of view. Usually there really is another way to look at a situation. Show a little maturity and you will be surprised at how far it will go.
As long as you live at home, or as long as your parents are alive, I suggest you listen and give serious thought to obeying your parents wishes. Why would I make a wild statement like that? First because your parents have dated before and know the ropes, the pitfalls. and hopefully the fun that is involved.
Second, your parents are not as emotionally involved in the situation and probably have a more unclouded view of you and the one you are dating (or want to date). Because they are not directly involved, often parents can help you think through the ins and outs of your particular situation.
Not only can your parents probably see the situation more clearly, they can also be more objective. Emotions run hot and heavy during teenage years and often make it difficult or even impossible for you to see all sides of an issue. Learn to listen to wise counsel.
Contrary to popular opinion, parents usually want what is best for their children. I imagine this is true in your family even though sometimes it may seem as if parents won't let you have any fun.
Finally, the Bible commands us to obey our parents. It doesn't say we have to agree with them all of the time, or even that they will be right all of the time. We are to obey. If your parents are truly giving incorrect counsel then there are Scriptural ways to ask them to reconsider. I urge you to find the focus of your heart. If it truly is on the Lord Jesus Christ, the command of obedience to parents is not really so difficult after all. Where is the focus of your heart?
Still having problems with your parents and the reconsideration request got nowhere? Maybe you should consider having a trusted adult friend, minister, or Christian counselor mediate the discussion. Sometimes everyone needs an impartial third party to help them see the situation more clearly.
Honor your parents wishes. If they are truly wrong, God can work to have them change their minds. Remember, "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes. (Proverbs 21:1) Give God time to work in their life and also in yours. Where is the focus of your heart. Waiting on God's perfect timing is for me one of the most difficult parts of the Christian walk. But it is worth the wait!
Here's a final shocking thought. Why not bring your dad into the dating process? Guys, ask your Dad's opinion of a prospective date. He may faint dead away, but after he recovers, you may be surprised at the insight he has. Go for it. Ask him. Girls, to keep yourself out of an unpleasant pressure cooker, why not get prospective suitors to first consult your Dad for permission to date you? This does several things. It makes the fellow appreciate you more, because he has had to work to get to enjoy your company. Also it relieves you of the responsibility of turning down the guy you think is a creep. Just let Dad know you don't want to date him and believe me, Dad will take care of the rest. And for Mr. Dreamboat, it will begin to establish wise patterns of counsel just in case this is the one for you. Dad can be a very important and helpful guy to have on your side.
What if your dad is not available due to divorce or death or sometimes even because of job responsibility? Use your mom or a mature, trusted, adult friend, or minister if Dad is not available. The important point is to get mature Christian guidance from someone who knows you well.
That is a lot of heavy stuff on parents and relationships with them. Before you write it off as totally useless, check the focus of your heart. Even Jesus obeyed his parents when he probably felt he should be doing other things (see Luke 2:51). Is the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus? Or is it on what "everybody" else is doing or on your own personal (selfish) desires?
For young teens the idea of "going steady" is intriguing. Remember that emotions, feelings, and hormones are higher than ever before in your life. Because of this, the chemistry of attraction may work faster than logic or reason. Another factor in today's world is the intense peer pressure to "go" with a particular person. What does it mean to "go steady" or "go with" someone? What is the charm about saying that you are "going" with a particular person? It seems to be the accepted role in our society and many young people are involved in this kind of relationship. Let's look at some of the pros and cons of going steady and examine some potential problems and see if there are any acceptable solutions.
There are many possible reasons to "go steady," not all of them are admirable. Here are ten possible reasons to go steady. Let's look at them and see if they are really noble or if there is some ulterior motive.
It offers prestige, especially if the person is the star of the football team or head cheerleader or really super handsome or just a living doll. "A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." (Proverbs 22:1)
You "belong" to someone. This is the security factor and I will have more to share about this later in this section. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37)
You are always sure of a date. This may be so, but you also run the risk of taking each other for granted. Count the cost.
It's cheaper. Than what?
It's convenient - it saves time. Why are you dating in the first place? Are you dating for your convenience or are you dating to get to know another person on a deeper level?
It proves your loyalty. To whom? Why?
You see the other person in all sorts of situations. This may be good or bad. It depends on the situations in which you see the other person.
You know the other person better. Perhaps.
You don't run the risk of being turned down (boys) or without a date (girls). Don't forget the purpose for dating in the first place.
You go only with the person for whom you really care. How do you know for whom you really care if this is the only person you have dated?
Likewise there are some reason against going steady. Some of them are good and some are not so good. You decide.
The common response to these "negative" reason for going steady is "it can't or won't happen to me." So many teenagers have said the same thing and later realized they had fallen into one or more of these traps. Be on your guard so it doesn't happen to you.
Perhaps one of the biggest problems with "steady" dating is beginning too soon. I have seen children as young as nine or ten begin "going" with someone.
It is probably best not to go steady until after you are in college. Before you throw this book down and trample it underfoot, at least read the reasoning behind such an outlandish statement as that.
There needs to be a time in your life when you get to know a variety of people and know them well. Teenage years are ideally set up for this kind of relationship. As you move through Junior High and High School, you see many other students your age in a variety of situations. Here you can begin to determine which personality traits you like best and begin looking for a special person with those traits.
Dating around or dating different people during these years gives you an opportunity to get to know several different personality types and decide which ones suit you best. The larger the number of different dates, the better you will know what you like.
Steady dating should mean a young person has dated several different personality types and the steady dating arrangement is a result of having found the personality type which best suits his/her own personality. Beginning to date steadily too early makes this enriching and important part of dating difficult or impossible.
Going steady is okay if engagement or marriage is in the foreseeable future (several years away probably).
Going steady puts your stamp of approval on the fellow. How well do you know him?
If you think you "love" your date, but have spent most of your dating life with the same person, you really have no basis for a decision. Beyond that, it is doubtful if you really understand "love" in all its many facets.
Variety is the spice of life. It also makes good sense in dating - especially during the Junior High, High School, and early college years.
Too early steady dating too often leads to too early engagement. Too early engagement leads to too early marriage. Too early marriage can and usually does lead to these problems or a host of others:
Steady dating is a matter that a young person needs to carefully consider. The idea that "everybody is doing it" is not true. Many are, granted, but not everybody. Think through your motives very carefully and examine the Focus of your Heart.
There is another side of going steady that is not nearly as popular nor is it talked about with all the glowing reports and happy smiles that going together is. This aspect is called breaking up. Almost every person who "goes" with another, at some point in their life also breaks up with that person. There is a lot of pain in the process, as those who have already gone through the agony can attest. Let's look at some of the different angles. feelings and emotions that are involved.
Why do unmarried couples break up? There are probably as many reasons as there are couples. Some of the more common reasons include fighting, too much physical involvement, conflicting goals and values, abuse (physical and/or psychological), withdrawal from the rest of the group, geographical separation, uncertainty about feelings for the other person or just not "loving" any more.
Every book needs at least one profound statement and here is the one for this one: Breaking up is painful! (I told you it was profound.) However, let me stress one other point that is also true, although often not believed. The pain eventually goes away, or at least becomes bearable. The process is sometimes long, but the trite saying "life goes on" is valid. Life does go on and over time the pain diminishes. (Breaking up when sex has been involved is much more painful and much more damaging to the mind and heart. In this case there is the matter of guilt which must be dealt with.)
How does one go about breaking up with someone who for a time was important and held many deep feelings? There is no easy way. Be honest and direct in your statements. Be in touch with your feelings. You will find that for both of you, honesty is better than making excuses or using the "cold shoulder" treatment or even saying things that either are simply not true or that you don't really mean.
Not only do you need to be honest in what you say, you should be caring in what and how you say it. When you break up with the former dreamboat, try to let him feel good about himself (or herself).
There are several reactions to the break that are common. As in many other areas, some are good and others are not so good. Remember, your emotions may be so deeply involved, you can not see the situation clearly. You may need the counsel of your parents, your pastor, Youth Pastor, or other trusted Adult friend. Let's look at some fairly common reactions to breaking up.
Slander (speaking untruth about the person with the intent of hurting) the other person. This may include threats, mishandling the truth, or fabricating lies in an attempt to hurt the other because he (or she) has hurt you. This is probably not the best reaction. Better not to say anything than to slander.
Think you must date another person immediately. If this is the case, you are using the new date - a poor reason to date anyone. More likely, you need some time to sort out your feelings, decide how you can build a better relationship next time (yes, there will be a next time), or just let the emotions cool down a bit. Perhaps moderation is the key word here. Don't rush, but be ready to date again and to enjoy another's company. Learn from your experience and try not to repeat the same mistakes.
Fear of starting a new relationship with anyone because it might break up too. In life there are no guarantees, it might, but, dating is worth the risk if you follow God's direction and obey His commands. Risks are a part of life and especially a part of dating. Where is your sense of adventure? Be open and alert to the individuals God has placed in your life.
After the break up, remember your goal should be to work through the hurt and remain friends with your former "steady." It is inconsistent to talk about Christian love and not to demonstrate it to one who for a time was very close to you. Here is a special time to check the focus of your heart. Understand that this kind of demonstration is most difficult and mandates the supernatural intervention and power of the Holy Spirit of God.
Speak well of each other, or maybe just have no comment at all about the other. Immediately after the break, your emotions may be running very deep and you run the risk of saying something you may later regret. Guard carefully what comes from your lips, remember, words reflect the heart.
Attend school and church social events so that you can meet new people, renew old acquaintances, or develop new friendships and interests. After breaking up with someone, it is often amazing the number of ways your talents can be used. Try to find some unused talents and pour them into your favorite club or organization. Keeping busy will help you avoid the old reminders that can make you broody, moody, and depressed.
Once it's over, let it be over. All the note writing, phoning, convincing, talking to mutual friends, and begging will not get him (or her) back. It only makes you look foolish. Let it be over, remain friends, and move on to the next exciting chapter of your life. Chalk it up to experience and keep living. Remember, no matter how bad it hurts, it only hurts for a little while. It only seems to hurt for an eternity. Actually, sooner than you think, you will find another, even better than the last one.
One of the reasons many teens "go steady," is peer pressure. (Peer pressure is the idea that "everyone is doing it." Actually they are not, only those who are very important to you are and that swings a lot of weight in your mind.) Let me share with you some thoughts on peer pressure particularly as it relates to dating practices.
High school students have through the years shown an enormous capacity to initiate new ideas, change certain practices, and to reverse certain trends in their high schools. Usually we think in terms of social issues when we think of this kind of change, but let's not limit our mind or our possibilities.
Most counselors, psychologists, Youth Ministers, and parents disapprove and try to discourage beginning to date too soon and especially "going steady" too soon. An intelligent high school group could set up ideals (codes) which would break the too early dating pattern in their school, by actively walking out Romans 12:2 ("Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.")
Why not let the group of Christian teenagers be the group that sets the standards for the rest of the school to follow? Why not let your group put peer pressure on the rest of the school to conform to your ideals, codes, or standards? It can happen under the power and influence of the Holy Spirit with a group of committed teenagers. By the way, where is the Focus of your Heart?
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