Of all the topics of concern to teenagers, "love" has to be among the greatest in level of interest. I have asked teens in many places what love is and I almost always get the same sheepish grin with just a touch of red moving up the neck and the reply is usually something along the lines of "I really don't know." I probably will not be able to give a more definite answer, but I hope to point you in the direction to find your own working definition of love.
Scripture gives a clear description of what love is. The explanations and illustrations will, I hope, give you something to think about and help you develop your own personal definition of love.
The very basic difference in real love and what is passed for love in our society is the truth that love is not a feeling, love is a decision, a commitment to a person. The idea that love is an emotion misleads many young people (and adults too, for that matter). Lest I be misunderstood and considered a heretic, there is a feeling associated with this commitment to another person. That feeling is often called love. However, love is the commitment and remains established through whatever life throws at it. The emotion, on the other hand, may come and go depending upon the immediate circumstances. That is why some people fall into and out of love as often as others of us change shirts. Hopefully, this will become more clear as you read and understand what the Bible calls love.
Many of the applications will be illustrative of God's love for us, our love for God, and finally, our love for each other. This kind of love is gender-less, that means that it is just as applicable to love a person of the same sex as it is to love a person of the opposite sex, the expression of that love would, of course, be different.
The classic scripture dealing with love is 1 Corinthians 13. Let me quote that passage from the New International Version.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries, and all knowledge and If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully even as I am fully known.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I cannot improve upon the language of Scripture. I hope the Holy Spirit will make it come alive in your heart and that you will see some very practical applications of love in your own life.
Jesus said that to love was to fulfil all the law. Look at Matthew 22:36-40. "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?
"Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
That seems to be fairly clear. The law referred to was the Old Testament law, primarily the Ten Commandments. Think of the Ten Commandments and see how true Jesus' words were. The first four commandments deal with our love for God which should be number one in our scheme of priorities. The next six deal with love for family and our fellow man. If we choose to love God, and choose to love our family, and choose to love our fellow man and convey in practical ways these choices, we will be fulfilling the Law. (Human beings find it impossible to apply these all the time. That illustrates our complete need of a Savior.)
Love is an exciting topic. Let's examine some of the more practical aspects of the subject together. Our guide for this study will be 1 Corinthians 13.
The first three verses of this chapter show the importance of love. Paul said that if he could speak all languages but did not have love, he would be nothing. If he could speak with the language of angels, but did it without love, he would be nothing. If he did all this and lacked love, he would be in a serious deficit.
Scholars tell me that there are three Greek words for love in the New Testament. Each with a different shade of meaning and each important in its own way.
One Greek word is EROS. This is the word from which we get our English word erotic. This is a physical kind of love. This kind of love is not wrong, when it occurs in its proper place. David experienced this kind of love in his relationship with Bathsheba. Although this is not a positive example, it does illustrate the feeling of EROS love.
The second kind of love mentioned in the New Testament is PHILEO. This if the word from which we get the word Philadelphia - city of brotherly love. This is a friendship word. A deep fondness. David experienced this kind of love for his friend Jonathan (although their love probably was more than just PHILEO love).
The third kind of love mentioned in the New Testament is AGAPE love. This is God's kind of love. This is true Christian love. Illustrations from Scripture include God's love for us in sending Jesus to become sin for us, the love God has for the world, and the love God has for Jesus. Many Biblical characters exhibit AGAPE love in a host of applications.
These same kinds of love are present in our world today. As applied to dating relationships, love seems to be expressed in three ways. Check these to see what kind of love you have.
There is an "if" kind of love. "If" love says it will love only IF you meet certain requirements. This is a love with strings attached and is very conditional. I'll love you IF you satisfy me sexually. I'll love you IF you buy me a Lamborghini. I'll love you IF you don't talk to anyone else when I'm around. This may be okay in some circumstances, but remember a love that comes that easily can also go just as easily. The condition that prompted the feeling, may be removed and then there is no more feeling. Seems rather risky to me.
There is also a "because" kind of love. This kind of love is based on some condition that may or may not be stable. I love you BECAUSE you are the quarterback of the football team. I love you BECAUSE you are the head cheerleader. I love you BECAUSE you are so beautiful. The problem with this kind of thinking is what happens when you are no longer the star quarterback, or no longer head cheerleader or no longer beautiful due to age or accident. Does the love vanish just as quickly? This too, seems to be a rather risky kind of love.
There is a third kind of love displayed. This is the "in spite of" kind of love. This is a love with no strings attached, it is a love that gives and expects nothing in return. It is not based on some condition as is the "if" love or some quality as the "because" love, but based on the importance of the person. The Bible calls this kind of love Agape, the special love God demonstrated in sending Christ Jesus into the world and the kind the Holy Spirit plants in our hearts as we follow him. This love is very special and should be nurtured and cultivated in our hearts and in our lives.
Here is a quick ten questions to ask yourself to see if what you feel may qualify for the "in spite of" kind of love:
If you answered yes to all of these questions, there is a good possibility that you are in love.
Paul goes on to say that prophecy (forth-telling or preaching not necessarily predicting the future), knowledge, faith, and kindness (giving things needed to others), all become unimportant without love. Obviously, Paul thinks that love is important and essential to the Christian life. In our society there is much emphasis on Love and related feelings. There are many ideas about love which have emerged and many of these ideas are not based on what the Scripture teaches. Let's examine briefly, the Scriptural characteristics of Love.
Love, as defined by the next four verses in this chapter (1 Corinthians 13:5-8) is something much more than a feeling. This is the best definition for love that I have ever encountered. If you are in love or think you are in love or wish you were in love, then these verses should leap off the page into your heart. Compare your emotions and actions with the ideas mentioned in these next few verses. (Gothard, 186)
Love is patient. It does not demonstrate irritations, reflect anger, or demonstrate a quick temper. This is the very opposite of quick-tempered reactions to situations or people. My natural tendency is to react in this "off the handle" way. Only through the love and power given to me by the Holy Spirit am I ever able to respond to others in love. Any example of patience in my life is from God, because naturally, I am impatient. Love is patient and understanding.
Love is kind. This means to be good natured, gentle, affectionate toward another. The opposite is to be cranky, sour, brooding, or moody. No matter WHAT the provocation, love is kind and remains kind through the struggle. Love looks for ways to be constructive. That means that love is actively creative. Love recognizes needs and seeks ways to meet those needs through acts of kindness.
Love does not envy. Another word for envy is jealousy. Does that make this characteristic of love easier to understand? Real love is not envious (jealous) of another's possessions, qualities, intellectual abilities, physical attributes (how he/she looks), comfort, situations, or anything else relating to the other person. Rather than being envious or jealous of the person, love is "happy for them" and wants the best for them. It is grateful that God has chosen to bless that person in that way. Love does not hold nor does it want to hold exclusive control on the life of the one loved. Development of each one's gifts in areas such as art, music, designing, or whatever is encouraged. Women's Lib is one extreme and stifling the other person is the other extreme. In real love, both extremes should be avoided. Love at this point seems to be something really special. It is.
Love does not boast. Love, real love, does not "toot its own horn" or brag about how good it is. This means that love does not feel superior to another or in more personal terms, make another feel inferior to you. I have trouble with this one. My tendency is to feel self-sufficient. The Holy Spirit has ways of reminding me how dependent I am upon Him. Love does not seek to impress for its own sake. Love is giving, not getting. Love is more interested in giving positive strokes, warm fuzzies, compliments, or gifts to the one loved than receiving or putting down the other in order to make itself feel good.
Love is not proud. Real love is not arrogant or conceited. It does not have an ego problem where all it thinks about is itself. Love is not "stuck" on itself. Love does not call attention to what it has done. It just is and does with no regard for public recognition. This is hard for me. Love does not overrate its own importance. Love is flexible, it is able to change and to accept change. Love doesn't expect another life to revolve around it, it includes the one loved. Consideration for the other really knocks at Pride. One in love always considers the needs and desires of the other.
Love is not rude. In all situations, love acts in a mannerly, orderly, decent, respectful, courteous way. Emphasis on all. Love is something very special and conducts itself accordingly. Love has good manners, it is not coarse or base toward the one loved. It has respect and exercises discretion toward the one loved. Manners and courtesy in words and actions reflect one's deepest feelings toward another.
Love is not self-seeking. Love is not selfish, possessive, or self centered, rather love is unselfish. It does not insist on its own way, but acts with the best interest of the other in mind. Love will determine the needs of the other and try to fulfil those needs. Love is concerned with the welfare and happiness of the other. It gives up its own rights and bends itself for the rights of others. Love does not pursue selfish advantage. Its primary concern is not for personal sexual fulfillment, social appetite, or desires but is concerned for the one dated (or married to) and his or her family. Love puts the needs of the other first.
Love is not easily angered. Crunch! I am so prone to become angry when things just don't go my way. Love doesn't. This kind of love is not touchy or irritable. It does not become "outdone" with people or fly into fits of rage. Love does not brood bitterness over things that are really not very important. This gets personal for me, how about you? It is not hyper-sensitive, easily hurt, or prone to take things too personally. It is not so emotionally involved with personal opinions so as to reject the person with the idea. Love really cares for the other.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not store up resentment and keep a record of all the times it has been hurt. Love does not harbor grudges. How prone I am to remember all the little petty things someone has done to me and bring them all up at the slightest provocation. Love wants to "forgive and forget." Love does not review wrongs which have been forgiven nor does it dwell on past mistakes. Rather love destroys evidence of past mistakes when possible and continues to enjoy the person "warts and all."
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love does not get excited when bad things happen to another or others go through difficult times. Instead love is genuinely concerned and sorry when others become entrapped in evil. It does not react with "I told you so," but with caring concern. It does not vindicate itself by comparison with the action of others. Not "if he can do it, so can I," or "I don't do that so I am better than him," but "What would God have me to do?" Love looks for and rejoices in truth. It sides with right (Scripture) in moral conflicts. It doesn't excuse itself with "everyone's doing it," but stands firm (and alone if necessary) for Biblical values. Love is united with other Christians and is concerned with Spiritual objectives.
Love always protects. This means that love seeks to cover or hide the faults of others rather than broadcast them from the rooftops. Love is more eager to assume the best in the actions of others than to assume the worst. Love is not suspicious of others or their actions. It lives with the inconsistencies of others and has empathy for the problems of others. How special love is. Love really cares.
Love always trusts. Love knows no limit to its trust of the other. I have talked to so many teenagers who were "in love" but did not trust the other outside of their sight. There is a difference in being with someone and trusting that someone. Love is not suspicious but rather love has a natural confidence in others that seems to overflow. Love is trusting. Love believes the person and the person's worth without question. Love does not doubt the others' integrity. It does not need to send "spies" to verify the honesty and integrity of the other.
Love always hopes. Love hopes for the best all the time. Sometimes circumstances get me down, but love always expects the best. It hopes that the behavior of others will be explained and vindicated if necessary. Love looks for the silver lining in the cloud. No matter how discouraging a situation, love encourages and reassures. Love is not fickle but has perfect peace and confidence that God is primarily responsible for introducing the right partner at the right time. Love has the same confidence that God is able to keep them together as life partners if He so chooses.
Love always perseveres. Persevere means to keep on, to outlast, to continue no matter what. This is what love does. It has unlimited endurance and will outlast anything. It keeps on no matter what the circumstances or situations. This kind of love, obviously, is not something entered into lightly or loosely. This kind of love is more than a feeling. It is not simply the patient endurance of a situation, but active steadfastness and working toward the good of the other. How special this kind of love is. Love will overcome all obstacles and even continue in the face of unreturned love.
With a definition of love like that, the natural question is, "How can I love like that?" You can't, I can't, nobody can, UNLESS the Holy Spirit of God enables you and does it through you. This special love that Paul has described is much more than a feeling. Do you see that real love for a person takes a lot of effort? Do you see that much of what our world tells us is love is not really love at all? Only God is powerful enough to give us this kind of love.
Let me try to illustrate how this kind of love may be expressed. As I was working on the final revisions of this manuscript, I had an occasion to talk with a student (I'll call him Mike) for a few minutes after school. Mike was not one of my students, but I had seen him around school. As we talked, I was careful not to use the word "love" in our conversation lest it be misunderstood. After talking for a while, I found out that Mike was really very lonely even though he had "many" friends. As I was leaving, I asked Mike if he understood what I had been sharing and why. Almost immediately he said "Because you love me." He was surprised at his own choice of words, but I think it a beautiful illustration of the kind of love described here in 1 Corinthians. (Mike felt this love due to the power and presence of the Holy Spirit.) This is a love that can be "felt" and sensed even if the word "love" is not expressed. Our world is hungry for this kind of love.
Do you see how special this kind of love really is? This is the way God loves us. This is the way we should love our spouse. This is the way to love the special person who is in your life. This kind of love is "sexless." It doesn't matter whether the person is the same or opposite sex, you can still love a person with love as defined here. This love is more than a feeling, it is a commitment.
Paul's working definition is so comprehensive, it takes in all relationships. Yet this love is achieved only by choice, work and Spiritual growth. That is why some say you don't fall into love but rather you grow into it. I love my wife more now than I did when I married her years ago, and I really loved her then. Through the years, I have chosen to love her through a variety of circumstances and situations; through all of these, my love for her has deepened. Such is the nature of real love, a love given by God. When a person acknowledges to God his need for a Savior, and gives the Holy Spirit free reign in his life, God gives us the capacity to love in this manner. It is impossible without His power. It is overwhelming to experience within His power. Keep the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus and you will experience this very special kind of love. It will be directed first toward the Lord Jesus, then to those other important people in your life, and eventually toward the whole world. Where is the Focus of Your Heart?
Love never fails. How long is never? Paul tells us that the kind of love he is describing never fails. If your love is directed toward that special someone who is extraordinarily beautiful (handsome), how can she (he) be all encompassing of your thoughts one day and a beast the next? Love never fails. If the feeling you have is really love, it will meet the definition Paul gives in 1 Corinthians 13.
If our priorities are in order, we will see that some things are not as important as our world would have us believe. Most of the time, in this world system, our priorities include things that come and go and are easily destroyed. The important things says this world system, are the tangibles that we get with money or position. The Bible says that these things are really unimportant, they will pass away and be destroyed. Intangibles are the really important things in life. They will not be destroyed. Love is the most important of these.
Prophecies, tongues, and knowledge will all cease, be still, or pass away. As we mature in Christ, we see this more and more clearly. God given love is greater than any of these. How marvelous it is to know that real love will last forever and it is the most important of the big three, faith, hope, and love. Love is most important because it is love that binds all of us to God and to our brothers and sisters in Christ.
How can I know if I am really in love? How can I check to see if what I feel is really love? Based on the ideas shared from 1 Corinthians, I think we can look at some things and determine if what you feel is really love or just an imitation. These tests apply equally well to our Lord Jesus, a family member, a friend, a spouse, or a date.
Test number one. Do you think of him (her) a great deal? When you are in love, the image of the one loved fills your mind. Thoughts of him continually come up no matter what else you may be doing. When in love, time and distance are of no consequence. If we are really in love with Jesus, we will be that way towards Him.
Test number two. Do you long to be with him (her)? Does his presence mean more than that of any other person? Would you rather be with him than anyone you know? When in love all other times seem to look toward the time when you will be with him. Your eyes sparkle, your cheeks flush, your heart beats faster, your breath quickens just to think of being near him. Physical contact is not needed to satisfy this feeling, just his presence is enough. You want to spend time with him. How about your relationship with Jesus? Do you love Him?
Test number three. Do you have complete faith in him? That means you accept his character, you trust him, you are proud of him, you respect his judgment, you defend him when others may try to put him down, and you can you depend on him in any situation. Love fully accepts the character of the one loved. Girls, when you accept a date with a fellow, you put your stamp of approval on his character. If you are able to answer yes to this question, you may love him. If Jesus is the person, how do you answer the question?
Test number four. Do you find yourself wanting to do the things he likes? Is there an unconscious desire to be and do as he wishes? Do you think more of pleasing him than of pleasing yourself? Yes? You may love him. How about Jesus. Are these feelings just as strong or stronger toward Him?
Test number five. Are you concerned about your appearance and conduct? Do you find yourself spending time to look your best when you know you are going to be around him? Does your conduct "shape up" when in his presence? When in love, you want to favorably impress him by looking and acting your best. How about in your relation to Jesus? How does your dress and conduct measure up there?
Test number six. Do you feel real freedom to discuss things with him? Is your sincere desire to know his opinion? Are you able to talk with him about things of which you would hesitate to talk with others? Do you feel free enough to talk with him of your inner hopes, dreams, and ambitions without thinking he will consider them "silly"? When considering those whom we really love, there is always a warm understanding and freedom to share inner thoughts and feelings. Speaking of freedom to share, what about our time with the Master, is it open and free? Do you really love Jesus as much as you say?
Test number seven. Do you have a real desire to please his mother and father? Your question naturally is, "What do his parents have to do with whether or not I love Him?" A good question and I'm glad you asked it. You see, when and if you marry this particular dream boat, what you actually get is a package deal. You get his parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, in-laws and outlaws. You get his whole family. So the question of whether you love his family is actually very valid. If you find you do not love all his relatives, be careful, because remember, he came from the same mold. Actually, when you love a person, you find you want to please those he loves, especially his family. What about the people of God? Do you love to be with His people in His house? "What if I don't like some of the people at church?" Remember, Christ died for them too. And for that matter, when he died for me and you what kind of shape were we in? Romans 5:8 reminds us that while we were still sinners (in active rebellion against God), Christ died for us.
Test number eight. Do you desire to give him gifts? Love and giving go together like the proverbial horse and carriage. It seems that real love must give. If it cannot give, it is not genuine love. If love does not give, it does not live. Think of a mother's love for her baby. She gives that precious young one everything it needs. She gives unselfishly and tirelessly. One other thing about true love, it gives and does not expect anything in return. God is the greatest lover of all history. He gave Jesus, the greatest gift mankind has ever received. How much do we give our time, talents, money, energy, selves to Christ? How much do we love the Lord Jesus?
Test number nine. Do your present plans center around him? Love always includes the other and wants what he wants. It is no longer "I" but "we". True love always considers the plans of the other. In your relationship with Jesus, do your plans include Him? Do you long to be with Him?
Test number ten. Do your future plans consider him? No one lives entirely in the present; everyone thinks of the future. We all refer to next week, next month, next year, or some other future time. One mark of true love is that the one loved is considered in all future plans. No matter what the circumstances, the hope is that he will be with me. Do you look forward to seeing the Lord Jesus in Heaven and spending all eternity with him?
Based on these ten "tests" for love, do you love him or her? How about Jesus? Do you love Him? Give yourself ten points for each "yes" answer, five points for a partial yes, and zero points for a "no" answer. Grade yourself according to the following scale:
Below 75 - Forget him.
Above 75 - Maybe.
100 - Look for wedding bells.
How does your "love" for Jesus measure up? Do you really love Him? Do your actions match your words My hope is that you really love the Lord Jesus and that your heart is totally committed to obeying Him.
There is a big difference between love and infatuation. Consider these contrasts between the two and determine if the feeling you have is love or infatuation. Remember to keep the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus and check often to see that the focus has not shifted or become blurred.
Infatuation leaps into bloom. Love usually takes root slowly and grows with time. Two people do not fall into love, they grow into love. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Infatuation may be a sudden feeling.
Infatuation is accompanied by a sense of uncertainty, you are thrilled and stimulated, but not really happy. You are miserable when he is absent, you can't wait to see him again. Love begins with a feeling of security, you are warm with a sense of his nearness, even when he is away. You want him near, but near or far, you know he's yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him," or "I must go steady with him or some one else may take him away from me." Love says, "Don't rush into anything." You are sure of one another and you can plan your future with confidence.
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you will discover that it is difficult to enjoy one another unless you end in intimacy (anything from heavy petting on). Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away you wonder if he's with another girl, sometimes you even check up on him to make sure. Love means trust. You may fall into infatuation, but you never fall into love. Infatuation may lead you in to doing things for which you might be sorry, but love never will.
Love leads you up. It makes you look up, think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. Be sure to learn the difference between love and infatuation.
These thoughts on love are quite different from what the world says love is. Many times in Scripture, what God says is quite the opposite of what the world says. God has never yet been proven wrong or inaccurate (nor will He ever be), so it seems a better risk to believe God than to believe THE LIE of the world. Where is the focus of your heart? Is it on the Lord Jesus or is it on popularity? Is it on acceptance by the crowd or the "well done" of the Lord Jesus? Examine your own heart carefully and in light of scripture. Where is the Focus of your Heart?
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